Tiger's Wood

Nettertainment tries not to spend too much time covering scandal and for the early part of this latest one, I thought it was his own family business, who cares. But now the Tiger Woods story is exploding in so many ways, one must stand back in awe.

First there was the this-doesn't-add-up car accident two doors down from his house with his wife ventilating car windows with a golf club. Now I hear he hasn't shown himself in public since then because his tooth is chipped, maybe from a 5-iron assault that started in the house and sent him running and driving, barefoot.

We've also learned that his wife spoke with one of his girlfriends the day of the "accident" and heard the voice message of him asking the same girlfriend (or a different one?) to remove her i.d. from her phone. That woman had scheduled a press conference, but for a rumored $1,000,000 called it off. Meanwhile his wife was renegotiating their prenuptial agreement to the tune of $80,000,000 if she sticks with him for another eight years; not sure if she's still interested, having reportedly moved out of their home today. Not sure who's got the kids.

This was the climax of a day when a mistress or fling or whatever you want to call these ladies seemed to come out of the woodwork one an hour. The last number I heard was twelve. There's a waitress, a pornographic actress, lots of augmentation, bleached blondes, hair-pulled brunettes (Tiger reportedly likes it "rough," is well-endowed but doesn't bother with condoms), you name it. His wife looks augmented to me as well, and clearly has a strong swing.

Best of all, one of these high-moral women is in negotiations with Playgirl to publish nude photos of the golf champion. Assuming each of these ladies is raising their hand while the million dollar bills are being handed out, what would such photos be worth? Five million dollars? Wouldn't that be worth not having them plastered across the Internet, forever imprinting the image of nude Tiger in our collective consciousness so that every time we saw him teeing off, we'd be thinking him naked with a different club?

I don't expect every brilliant performer in the world to be a saint, nor is it much of a surprise that someone with such a squeaky clean reputation turns out to be a serial adulterer. It is, however, a real bummer for anyone with kids who looked up to Tiger and, here's the rub, a real bummer for his brand.

Clearly the payoffs to wife and mistress were Tiger Woods, Inc. springing into action. I find a fascination in imagining his agent(s) and lawyer(s) burning up the phone lines to corporate sponsors, desperate to reassure one and all that this was under control and would blow over. Heck, if it's worth $10MM/year to his wife to keep her aboard, then he must be raking in ten times that annually.

Maybe she's upset the apple cart for good, and maybe it will end up hurting her financially as much as it must be starting to hurt him. Maybe he's over-leveraged like all the all rich folks and this will send him tumbling. The first sponsor pull-outs (faster than Tiger ever did) have yet to be made public, but today was not a good day for that -- one assumes a morals clause in most of these contracts.

Even the EA Sports Tiger Woods Golf videogame franchise would not be immune. Won't there be jokes about the secret level where Tiger shags the comely caddy right there on the 18th hole green? Or maybe the cheat code Easter Egg where you get to play as his wife...only you tee off on his head!

The little car crash that started this all has turned into a much bigger can't-turn-away car crash, sometimes in slow motion, sometimes in a tumble like today. It's a perverse fascination to be sure, and at this stage in our culture where the line between public and private is so dissolved, our illusions about our heroes so shredded, it seems that moral judgment is almost beside the point. Make it if you like, but we're all sinners in our own way, so be it.

It hurts a little to see yet another good icon revealed as just another dumb dude, the man who had too much but was supposed to stand for something.What's more fascinating is watching the process, same as it ever was but maybe a bit more horrifying, humiliating and hilarious that usual, inadvertent bread and circuses for our entertainment.

The best move now is to take Oprah up on her reported offer of advice and an appearance. Confess to being a sex addict on her show and having entered a rehab program, take the public lashing and the eventual forgiveness, ideally within the same hour. Beg for your wife's forgiveness maybe there in public, maybe Oprah will even have her waiting in the wings and stage your reunion.

Either that or sign that reality show deal. Right now.

While you're hot.